Separation Anxiety. How do I help my little one cope?

Being away from your little one can be stressful for both you and them. For young children, the feelings of worry, insecurity, and fearfulness can culminate into separation anxiety. Children don’t have a clear concept of time,  and when their learned routines are abruptly changed or disrupted, they aren’t sure how to handle the unpredictability.  Normally, they would look to their primary caregiver for comfort and support, but if you aren’t physically present,  they aren’t sure where to turn to for guidance and reassurance.  If you are noticing tantrums when you drop them off at daycare or preschool,  you might be seeing the signs of separation anxiety. This is very common, especially in children under four years old. Don’t get too worried, though; there are many ways you can help your little one cope with those big feelings.

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety usually starts when a child begins to realize that when they can’t see you, they know you’re still around somewhere doing something without them. Their perception of time isn’t fully developed, so they may not understand that you’re coming back. Minutes can feel like hours. You may see signs of separation anxiety at home too; is your child fighting their nap or bedtime? For younger children, it could even happen when you simply leave the room. Not knowing when you’ll be back can cause them to feel insecure and scared; they know they depend on you to fulfill their wants and needs. Separation anxiety is common, but all children are unique, and they experience it differently and at different ages. It can start as early as six months and usually dissipates by three years of age. 

How can you support your little ones through separation anxiety?

Tell them your plans for later.  Sometimes, you can ease their fears by telling them about the bike ride you are going on together this afternoon after you pick him/her up. Plan fun activities after daycare or preschool to reassure them that you will be back.  By giving them something to look forward to, you are removing some of that unpredictability.  The entire family is happier when everyone has the space they need to learn and grow. 

Start practicing short separations at home.  Don’t take your little one with you on every errand, or maybe just give yourself some extra alone time in your study, or get a home workout in without your kids around.  This allows you and your little one to start the separation process.  After practicing these small separations at home, maybe consider moving on to a half-day preschool or daycare (or booking a three hour session at a flexible childcare facility like Moonbow!). Find what works best for you and your child! 

Listen and comfort your child. Sometimes we forget that kids are kids; these emotions are very new to them, and as adults, sometimes we unknowingly minimize their fears and frustrations. They may not be able to explicitly tell you something is wrong, but you can see the signs: moodiness, fidgeting, extra clingy. Take the initiative and ask them how they are feeling. They may not have the words to express their emotions, so look for other avenues of communication. 

If your child has a favorite toy or blanket, use it! Leaving something to comfort your child is a great way to help them cope with separation anxiety. They will likely start to need this item less and less as they become more comfortable in their surroundings and in themselves apart from you.

Never sneak away, but keep your goodbyes short and positive. Sneaking away will only worsen things and could result in losing their trust. Create a positive routine and make it short and sweet. You’ll both feel better about parting ways for a few hours.

Introduce any new place or caregiver slowly.  New schools and unfamiliar teachers and caregivers can be very intimidating for our little ones. Consider taking a tour of the facility with your child beforehand, or have a walkthrough of a daycare.  If the program offers any before-school activities or meet and greets, these are all great ways to make your little one feel comfortable in their new environment.

When leaving your little one for the first time, don’t be surprised if you get a bit of separation anxiety, too. Just remember, having time to yourself is important, whether you use it to get things done or give yourself some much needed relaxation. The little time spent apart from one another will make you cherish the time together even more.